Just A Nobody
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Today is one of those days that, I call bitter sweet. It is a day long ago, when my boys were younger, that meant a double celebration in our house. Today is a day that we celebrate not only my oldest sons birthday, but my middle sons as well. They were both born on the same day only a year apart.
My middle son after being gone almost ten years moved back home a little less than a year ago. This is the first time we will spend his birthday together since he went back to Florida, he will turn 27 today. Over the years with him being in Florida, I had sent gifts and called to wish him a Happy Birthday, but secretly hiding my pain that comes along with this day.
Each February 18th is also a reminder of the fact that my oldest son would also be turning another year older; he would have turned 28 today. I wish I could have seen the man he would have grown to be. It has been ten years since he passed away, but days like today make it seem like yesterday. The hole in your heart opens once again and the pain comes rushing back as if the hole was freshly made. I don’t know how to get over this loss in my life, but I am learning to mourn silently, learning to hide the pain and when I can’t hide it I jump in the car and take a drive. Drive until I find myself alone, there I cry and scream out to God and cry until the tears come no more.
The pain inside is like a double edge sword, it cuts deep and is a constant reminder of the pain inside that is hidden from those around me, but it is also a reminder of the beautiful son that God blessed me with…. even though it may have been for a short time! A beautiful loving son I wish the world could have gotten to know. He cared so much about people, only wanting to see them happy and know they were loved.
I don’t know how to handle today. So I think I will go for that drive and be back in time for other son to come home from work, put a smile on my face, bury everything else back in the corners of my heart and wish him a big “Happy Birthday!” I will secretly mourn, but today I will also celebrate life out loud!