Just A Nobody

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This blog was started to share the journey of what God has called me to do, serve our friends whithout homes. A long the way it has also become part of my journey as well.

Friday, February 26, 2010

She Wanted to Commit Suicide – She Made Me a Keychain Instead-by Julie Cruz

Got the plessure of meeting Julie for the first time, on her recent trip up from California.
Julie with out friends in the park.

She was able to come down and spend time with us at the park and then we had a day when we got to spend a little time together. Our day didn't turn out like we expected. Below is a recent post of of hers about that day. Julie has a ministry in California were she also serves and helps our friends outside. To connect with her or to take a look at what she is doing, check out her website: www.lifehouseministryoc.com

During a recent visit to Boise Idaho a friend and I went shopping at a Army Surplus store for rain ponchos for my homeless friends in Orange County, I was buying them to take back home. While waiting at the register to pay for my find, Denie got a desperate call from a gentleman who runs a day-shelter that she visits ministers in frequently. “You gotta get here right way” he said. “This young girl is talking about taking her life”.

We drove to the shelter as quickly as we could. When we arrived, sitting in the corner was a 21 year old white girl, with a backpack at her feet, a tissue in her hand and tears streaming down her face. We sat down and listened for 3 hours. We both felt that she needed to talk and we needed to listen. She expressed how broken she was – she had just tried meth for the first time in her life and she’d been awake for 2 days. She just needed friends and the ones that she found weren’t the kind of friends who care if you lives or dies. As she continued to talk, we could tell that she began to dig into the farthest corners of her atrophied heart and pull out the root of her pain. When she was 5 years old, she hid under the bed while her mom, dad and sisters were all murdered – she survived… sort of. I would be the farm that she wished that she was with her dead family. We could see that the moment she brought that out of her hidden place, a light began to shine on her face. You really would have had to be watching but the heaviness didnt seem so heavy – her shoulders not so slumped. She talked about being in and out of foster care after the murder. I asked her if any of them were good experiences for her – “not really” she said. Once she became an adult she entered into a variety of different mental health facilities. They have pumped her full of meds trying to stabilize her life – they dont seem to be working too well.

I noticed a delicate hand knotted necklace she was wearing and said something about it. She made it she said very proud – i found out later that this is how she makes her money. I asked her if I bought her some beads would she make one for me before I left. She bent forward unzipped her backpack and pulled out a keychain that she had already made and handed it to me, not looking up at me. Even to this day writing this I cant help but cry – she gave me piece her heart and her creativity as well as her livelihood.

We ran down to the store and bought her a load of beading supplies, hoping she could fit these into her backpack. when we got back to the shelter, she had managed to find a dark place to take a much needed nap but came out to receive her gift with gratitude.

I heard that she is doing well… Denie has seen her at the park. Still homeless – and hopefully not doing drugs. This is one person that I want to be off the streets and engaging in life as it was meant to be – with more joy than sadness. Be safe, be well and be whole little one.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

PAUL (PAULIE) 2-20-2010

Paulie with the big smile and the eyes that always light up.
Paulie with the funniest belly laugh.
Paulie who felt the need to be my protector when at the underpass.
Paulie with the red nose who reminded you of Santa Claus.
Paulie with the biggest bear hugs you could imagine.

Paulie who took his last dime one day to buy me a rose.

Paulie who only wanted to feel the sunshine on his face.
Paulie who dreamed of one day having his own place, finding peace and no longer being on the streets.
Paulie who always would leave saying “Love ya” and you felt you were truly loved.

I got a phone call on the way to the park today and was told Paulie our beautiful loving friend died today!

“Love ya Paulie”

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Today is one of those days that, I call bitter sweet. It is a day long ago, when my boys were younger, that meant a double celebration in our house. Today is a day that we celebrate not only my oldest sons birthday, but my middle sons as well. They were both born on the same day only a year apart.

My middle son after being gone almost ten years moved back home a little less than a year ago. This is the first time we will spend his birthday together since he went back to Florida, he will turn 27 today. Over the years with him being in Florida, I had sent gifts and called to wish him a Happy Birthday, but secretly hiding my pain that comes along with this day.

Each February 18th is also a reminder of the fact that my oldest son would also be turning another year older; he would have turned 28 today. I wish I could have seen the man he would have grown to be. It has been ten years since he passed away, but days like today make it seem like yesterday. The hole in your heart opens once again and the pain comes rushing back as if the hole was freshly made. I don’t know how to get over this loss in my life, but I am learning to mourn silently, learning to hide the pain and when I can’t hide it I jump in the car and take a drive. Drive until I find myself alone, there I cry and scream out to God and cry until the tears come no more.

The pain inside is like a double edge sword, it cuts deep and is a constant reminder of the pain inside that is hidden from those around me, but it is also a reminder of the beautiful son that God blessed me with…. even though it may have been for a short time! A beautiful loving son I wish the world could have gotten to know. He cared so much about people, only wanting to see them happy and know they were loved.

I don’t know how to handle today. So I think I will go for that drive and be back in time for other son to come home from work, put a smile on my face, bury everything else back in the corners of my heart and wish him a big “Happy Birthday!” I will secretly mourn, but today I will also celebrate life out loud!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I was standing talking to someone, when she came bouncing down the sidewalk. Her eyes lit up and she grabbed me, giving me a big old hug.

“Do you have any idea how much we love you guys?” she asked. "Okay", I reponded trying to figure out what she was refering too.

She went on to say, “Out of all the people who serve in this town, out of all the places we go to eat, there is only one place where we feel like we are truly loved. We can show up for dinner on Saturday, but what we really receive is love. Love that no one else shows us.”

Those words of hers have been playing over and over again in my head and I think of those who come down to the park and give so much of themselves. Whether it is every week you come down, once in awhile or help in other ways you all have a part in showing our wonderful friends that they are Loved. You love where no one else would love and you truly are a reflection of God’s love in the world. Thank you for allowing Him to shine thru you and know that there are many forgotten people in this town that love you more than you will ever know!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Cutting the ties

What I hear in your words are words of what you want, what you feel about something, what you think is right, how you think things should be and what you think God is thinking. Have you ever stopped to consider what the Lord has spoken to me? The vision that He gave me and how I try to stay focused on that vision and faithful to Him?

I have spent sometime in prayer over this and the other night the Lord asked me a few short questions.

Do these person’s words cause you to draw closer to the Lord? … No, they keep my focus on his/her ideas of what is should be done and what he/she thinks is right.

Does this persons actions reflect Christ? …Not always, they seem to be focused on exalting himself/herself.

Does keeping a friendship with this person keep you focused on the Lord and the work He has called you to do? … No, I spend more time worrying about what he/she wants.

A friendship that pulls you away from the Lord is spiritually unhealthy. Unhealthy in the sense that you spend more time worrying about pleasing the others wants and wishes and you stop focusing on what the Lord has asked of you. This type of friendship needs to be cut. After spending time in prayer about this again the other night, the Lord almost immediately confirmed this with His own words, Mark 6:11"If you're not welcomed, not listened to, quietly withdraw. Don't make a scene. Shrug your shoulders and be on your way." So this is where this chapter ends, but it’s okay a new one is waiting to be written. My focus is back where it should be and the Lord was waiting patiently…it is good to hear His voice again.